Reconciled and Hidden

Updated: Dec 23, 2020

It's been a long 4+ months since I let go of my firm grasp on Social Media all together.

After a recent visit from a dear friend and fellow "Influencer," I received what I believe to be a sign that pointed me back to reengaging online through Instagram.

Since I've been sharing on our Forum about all the little joys of our life as Team CraviAwesome and the hurdles of believing in my voice,

I want to share my reasons for returning to Instagram with you guys!

So, welcome new and old readers.


In February, I finally reached my breaking point and something had to give.

My anxiety level was out of control. I was exhausted constantly and working to make my life align with a the dream in my heart. I couldn't have told you what that dream was, and I felt FRUSTRATED and let down by my circumstances AKA God.

It took letting go of the dreams and plans I had for my life at the church I attended for 20 years, for me to see that next step!

I could say that it was just theological disagreements or social anxiety that pushed us to transition to a different church community, but really it came down to a desire for more connection to our city. I am excited to write a blog about it in the future.

I also had to let a few MORE things go, like INFLUENCE itself.

Grieving these losses showed me I couldn't keep moving toward my dreams until I sought healing. I found a counsellor, kept in constant contact with my accountability ladies, and prepped for an awesome pre planned vacation!


In February Kyle and I took luxurious trip around the Caribbean on a Family Life Cruise.

We were reading a book by John Mark Comer (The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry) and heard a talk given by Jeff Bethke author of To Hell with the Hustle that changed our lives!

At the time, I found myself having or narrowly avoiding anxiety attacks every day.

The smallest disappointment crushed me- even in paradise. Maybe it was the fact that Covid was on the upswing or maybe it was the naussia from the huge waves rocking the ship...but I was a mess as I learned to completely rewire the way I think...

I had a BIG choice to make:

1. Keep hustling. Keep running full pace toward my goals of becoming a Social Media Influencer and Momtrepreneur to prove I can run with the best of them.


2. Give into the burn out, take a HUGE and potentially permanent step back from ALL social media for the first time since my teen years, in the hopes of regaining my mental health.

This wasn't a choice I took lightly since I desire SO MUCH to impact the world in a positive way... But I was still recovering from PPD (Postpartum Anxiety and Depression) and I wanted to move past them more than I wanted to keep posting everyday.

I chose option 2.


Where did I go "wrong?"

If all the cards are on the table, it’s obvious I began to think that I deserved the perks that seem to come with the gift of ”influence.”

Denying my mental health recovery and need for healing, I campaigned and connected. Despite the growing cost of peace, joy, and authenticity, I sacrificed my attention and time to the god of Hustle.

Paul the Apostle said, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans‬ ‭12:2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I was transforming myself into the creature of poise and splendor I imagined I should and could be: my idea of ”my best self.”

I somehow forgot about the promise I made to be transformed into the likeness of Christ and made excuses to cover my drift. I was settling for the applause of the people around me who barely knew me instead of the presence of the one who made me.

Truth be told, I was in pain. Pain from the weight of generational curses, social pressures, unintended religious oppression, and trauma from my childhood.

The temptation to make myself ”matter” caught me at my weakest moment.

The hustle, hurry, and distractions starved my spirit and I forgot who I really am. I had such genuine intention and desires but still failed.



God faithfully gave me a way out and I took it.

A fast on all social media. I believed and chose the fast to be indefinite and...

𝔸 𝕙𝕦𝕤𝕙 𝕗𝕖𝕝𝕝 𝕠𝕧𝕖𝕣 𝕞𝕪 𝕝𝕚𝕗𝕖.

Fake beauty fell away and real character began to birth as I soaked in the solitude, silence, and simplicity I talked so much about in my Instagram stories.

I chose to actually grieve the memories of being forgotten, rejected, and misunderstood.

I detoxed and felt sweet joy as dreams began to bubble forth from the depths of my being!


Who was there when I pulled the plug?

My beautiful family, like minded friends, a community, and hope.

Kyle and my marriage has become stronger and my connection with Resa has become the sweetest its ever been, since I made this change.

God taught our family how to practice Sabbath and REST. I remembered who I am for the first time since I was young, and in some ways, the first time ever.

I do have influence and it is a gift!

A gift worth protecting and using to bless the friends, family, and local community where I live.

I've learned over these months with the help of a new church family here in the city of Liberty Lake and a book called Anonymous by Alicia Britt Chole, how to live like an iceberg: 10% seen + 90% hidden.


I don‘t expect

a round of applause or a pat on the back for being ready to return to social media, and I do genuinely hope that this topic really encourages or challenges your own process and how you relate to Social Media.

There is so much more beneath your public persona than you or I can know or even see that God made just for His own delight! When I spent time with Him waiting and healing, I saw all my desires start aligning and they all pointed toward reconciliation. I am happy to say I’m so healed in ways I never thought possible.

I still design, create, sing, and connect, but in healthy ways and with healthy boundaries!


I want to renter social media to reclaim it for the Kingdom of God. I want my path to be one that leads the way to heaven on Earth. One small step at a time at the right time.


Actually, let's do it 𝕥𝕠𝕘𝕖𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣.


Special thanks to my sister in the faith Marissa for following God’s call on her life and always leading me deeper into His love! Your counsel is precious to me.


Thanks so much for reading

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Stay Awesome!